The body positive movement didn’t work for me.

I tried it on. I tried to love my curves, embrace the fat. I tiptoed into virtual groups where they were doing body-love activities, or taking pictures. I can see the beauty in all of those women’s photos. They are magnificent creatures, all of them! I just couldn’t see myself that way.

I led a group of women on a New Moon Journey where we let go of old, unnecessary beliefs and other’s words about us and our bodies. We focused on the love of the true Self, the Spirit. We journeyed (guided by a shamanic practitioner) to listen to our bodies. I learned a great deal. I heard Her voice, felt Her power.

But I still wanted to be smaller. And then I felt bad that I still wanted to be smaller.

I kept getting bigger. Just a little bit, like a pound a year – but at that rate where was I headed?

I judged myself as unspiritual, un-yogic, for not being able to fully love my physical form as it was, like these other, bigger women seemed to do. I felt hypocritical as a yoga teacher who preaches love and kindness toward our bodies in class.

I do think my body is amazing for all it does and gives! I am grateful for Her.

I watched Embrace, the lovely movie with so many good points about societies’ ridiculous standards for women and the damage that can come from that. At the end I thought, “Yeah, but I still want to be smaller.”

I’m shallow, I guessed.

But I remembered listening. It’s a form of love.

Then I saw a picture of a friend, who had been on that New Moon Journey with me. She was half her size! I immediately demanded the info, which she generously shared. What she was doing, and now we are both doing, is Bright Line Eating. I am not pitching BLE. I am not an affiliate. I just figure I should mention it by name. The important piece of it is that it is based on breaking the addiction to flour and sugar, and not eating them anymore. And it turns out that is what I needed. I released 20 pounds. I feel more comfortable, confident, sexier. My bloodwork reflects great health (last year my doctor didn’t love my cholesterol numbers).

Loving enough to listen worked for me. I’m continuing to pay attention to Her, my beloved body. I don’t do Bright Line Eating perfectly but I try one day at a time. I feel free of many compulsions that were there with flour and sugar ruling my brain. I’m doing it because She loves it and feels good… and looks good. And I’ve surrendered to the fact that I care about that.