My husband and I annoy each other. Not all the time, thankfully. But I leave lights on, and like a lot of light. He can see in the dark with his light blue eyes, and walks around after me turning off lights to save money.

I prefer the dirty dishes in the sink, while he feels they belong on the counter next to the sink.

He snoozes.

I get up instantly.

He’s a night owl.

I have nothing left after 8 p.m.

I want to talk about things.

He answers questions with jokes, and tends to silently brood.

He refuses to use a plate or a paper towel for his toast but rather leaves the crumbs on the kitchen island for someone to clean up.

That last one used to really bug me. I had a whole story about how it was rude and about what was going on in his head. It felt like a personal insult, like he was putting them there for me clean up, especially after I asked if he would use a plate or something and he refused. He didn’t want to dirty a plate or waste a paper towel.

You know why?

He just wants to have toast and go to work.

He doesn’t think about the crumbs. He’s not leaving them for me. He’s just leaving for work.

When I am in my right mind — when I’m calm, have been meditating regularly, am feeling centered — I don’t care about the crumbs. I can clean them up if I’m home and if I want to. I remember that I have choices. I don’t take things personally. I appreciate that I have a funny, responsible, brilliant, handsome husband who is an amazing dad to our daughter, a lovely home and a kitchen island with crumbs on it.

I have been divorced. My first marriage was a great lesson in acceptance and patience and gratitude. All those little annoyances (and we annoyed each other plenty too) were immaterial in light of the alcoholism that was ravaging our relationship. I accepted alcoholism. I let go of resentment. I practiced compassion for him and myself.

Surely I can accept crumbs.

I also can ask for what I want or think I need. That doesn’t mean I will get it but I can speak my mind and then make further decisions from there.

They told me in Al-Anon, “You will just know one day if you can’t accept the situation anymore.” And one day I did know. It was acceptable and it was acceptable and then it was not. It was a tiny straw, really, that broke the camel’s back — one white lie too many — that led me to decide to free myself to be open to a truly intimate, honest partnership.

I have that now and yet still there are the little frustrations of living with someone else.

Here are my recommendations for living with them:

1. Drop the story.

When you are totally annoyed ask “Who would I be without the story? In this moment, without the narrative about the situation, who and how would I be?” Example: I would be happily using my Norwex cloth to wipe crumbs off the island.

2. Accept.

Accept the reality as it is. Don’t worry, you can take action later. First accept. Example: My husband is an alcoholic and still drinking. I am OK with it today.

3. Act with intention.

If, after accepting, you decide to say or do something, clarify your intention and be ready to let go of the results that you can’t control. Example: I need to say that I feel we are getting further away from each other because of his drinking. My intention is to express that I miss and desire closeness in the relationship. I think it’s only fair that he knows what’s happening on my end and that I’m honest.

4. Accept again.

If you don’t get the result that you wanted, check if your intention was actually to control someone else. Accept where you are again.  Example: OK, so he’s never going to use a plate for his toast. 

5. Go make yourself happy.

We are each responsible for our own happiness. Do what you can to take care of yourself, to add joy to your day, to get centered back into your self. It can be as simple as a conscious breath or as elaborate as planning a private getaway, but I promise it will benefit everyone… and may even prevent a divorce.