I recently had to apologize to my husband… twice… in the same day.

The first apology was one of those I’m-sorry-that-you’re-mad-at-me sorry’s.

It wasn’t until the evening, when he was still clearly angry with me, that I started to think about my actions and words. I realized that I had disagreed with him in a way that insulted him in front of other people. I spoke harshly to try to get him to be quiet, where I could have been gentle or even silent myself and allowed any consequences to be his own.

Instead, what I saw was that he wasn’t being sensitive and was being overly dramatic in what he was saying. And in judging him for that, and reacting, I became the same — insensitive and overreactive. It always works like that. Amazing. We cannot judge another for something without becoming that ourselves.

The dynamics in a relationship can only change when one party looks within and makes a change… When someone is brave enough to take what is coming at them as information, and an opportunity to see what they themselves are putting out that is now showing up in the guise of another person or a situation.

This applies to individuals, groups and even nations. And it speaks to what we as Americans are not doing for our safety. There is little or no self-reflection as a country. There rather seems to be a badge of honor in saying that we don’t care what others think of us or touting our “greatness”.

That would be fine if we wanted everything to stay the same. However, we are in a situation where hostility and violence come at us regularly. People are afraid. We would like that to change. We want to feel relaxed, safe and at peace, right?  Well, these require, at times, doing the hard thing ­— not blame, judgment and attack. Those are easy. They are natural, like reflexes. What is required is looking at ourselves. It’s seeing how what is coming at us is mirroring back what we have been putting out. It’s considering anger or hatred toward us at least partially as a sign that we have been transgressing in the world.

We blew that chance on 9-11. The US went into attack mode with little or no self-reflection. We did not ask: Why are these people against us?, How did we become a target?, In what way are we perpetrating crimes and inhumanities, and where?… and work on these.

We missed the opportunity. And we continue to miss it.

Instead we focus on an “other” ­— a group, sect or party who is obviously wrong, bad and needs to be stopped. Action may be required. Yes. But nothing will change until we use the mirror of what people think of us and what is coming towards us, for our own growth and evolution. So in addition to physically eliminating threats and enemies of our country, can we work on eliminating our own violent tendencies? Can we admit mistakes, misgivings, unkindnesses and uncaring actions? Not to ask forgiveness or grovel at anyone’s feet, but simply to move forward in the awareness that we will experience, and see reflected back, as we are in the world.

Owning that power is true freedom, real courage and absolute safety.