I was single once for like 5 minutes… in between husbands. It was nice. I made juice in the morning. I napped in the afternoon. I walked my little dog (she died 2 weeks into it but we had a nice time until then). I ate healthy food. I could clean the whole place in 20 minutes.

It was easy.

And all I wanted was to find someone who wanted to be in an intimate, loving relationship.

Famous quote by my mom, when I called and told her I had left my husband: “Marriage is hell, Lee.” Thanks, Mom. Information I could have used about 9 years before that, but thanks.

Famous quote by Eckhart Tolle, (something like…), “Relationships can be hell. Or they can be a powerful spiritual practice.”

So my mom was right, sort of. Relationships are opportunities for growth. The harder, the better? Well, the greater the opportunity maybe. Not to say we should stay in a relationship that is abusive or even just bad. Those are the ones where we get to stand up for ourselves, value ourselves, and learn to say No!

I officiated at a young couples’ wedding recently. I hoped that they weren’t expecting their partner to MAKE them happy, or to COMPLETE them. I talked about the purpose of the union perhaps being to bring out the love in each person, no matter how the other is behaving; that our partner is not there to GIVE us love, but to allow us to discover how loving we can be, how much love is inside of us… that we are in fact made of the stuff. So when he or she is acting like a jerk because they had a hard day or just don’t have much to give at that moment we can say “Thank you for allowing me to practice loving you when it’s not easy.”

I didn’t want easy. Well, I did need a rest for a while from the relationship-growth-mountain challenge. My teacher, Henry Grayson, in his book Mindful Loving explains how an adept skier might want to take a break from the black diamond hills once in a while and coast down a bunny slope too. But after a rest I wanted to do it again, to see what someone would bring to the surface for me to heal. What dark place in myself could I see in a new relationship where I could add love and light? Oh, I wanted fun, and good conversation, and sex too… which is what you get for the first 6-12 months anyway… but deep down I want to rub up against someone’s in-my-opinion-annoying habits so my own pointy parts are smoothed away.

It’s just a bonus to find someone to do it with who is forgiving, calm, open-minded, loving and steady… like I did.